Vulnerable

My mom died three years ago. She was 97 and had spent four years in a wheelchair paralyzed because of a stroke. She was a strong woman, very independent, and with a privileged mind.

The day she had a stroke, she became suddenly vulnerable and entirely dependent. She experienced so without any complaint. I took care of her during his illness. I felt lucky to be able to do so. It was hard, physically, and psychologically. But the love we had was stronger than the difficulties. For me, it was hard to see that determined, strong woman trapped in a paralyzed body.

We used to talk a lot. Sometimes we had profound conversations. She was smart and managed to maintain his brain working till the end, reading a lot of books and solving crosswords.

Suddenly, an abdominal infection killed her in two days. It was fast and unexpected. When I realized that she wasn’t there anymore, I felt incredibly vulnerable. She had been a sure reference for my whole life. Someone who always helped me when I had problems or sorrows and listened to me when I needed to share my joys. A constant source of good advice.

I, a grown woman, almost old, felt unsure, empty, without a strength that I had had handy all my life. She was very old when she died, it was expected. There have already been three years, but I feel the loss deeply in my soul.

I know I could not have you forever. But I miss you, mom. I feel lost without you.

Vulnerable

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