All Posts Tagged ‘Health

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Playing with machines

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We all have things we need to do to keep an even keel — blogging, exercising, reading, cooking. What’s yours? 

The care of my mother is taking most of my time every day, and I’m worried about her. Each day it’s more difficult. There is no much time to dedicate to other things. I know I have to keep an eye on my own health to be able to help her better. I rest in my daily prayer and I try to go three days a week to swim to do some exercise half an hour. But which really distracts me is to play with my electronic toys while She is sleeping and I have an hour or so of relative freedom. Then I take my iPad, my iPhone or my camera and I begin to experiment with new apps, explore new possibilities, try to learn new techniques. When my mom awakes I usually have something new to show her and make her have a good time.
I adore playing with electronic machines. My last acquisition is very simple: a Bluetooth bracelet that counts your steps, the calories you burn during the day walking, the distance you make, and controls the quality of your sleep. It works connected to your phone . I’m happy with my new device because I discovered how much excersice I’m doing with my daily errands. I’m always going walking since I can’t drive because of my illness. I’m a professional urban pedestrian. I discovered that in a day like today, I walk the equivalent to 8 kilometers (5 miles). Today was pretty intense. In an average day I walk nsome 5 kilometers or 6 kilometers (3, 3.7 miles) . That encouraged me a lot. Not what the device says about my sleep quality which is very poor.
I also enjoy fixing things. Today I managed to fix the tv remote for my mom and yesterday I did it with the cofee machine.

 

On the Edge.

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Travel

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Write an anonymous letter to someone you’re jealous of.

Impossible. I can’t write an anonymous letter on my blog. Everybody would know is mine. Besides, I have never written an anonymous. It sounds cowardly and menacing. Not my style. Last time this prompt was published I wrote about health. Now i’ll write about the possibility to travel. I would like to leave my town for a while and go visit my family abroad. Above all I would like to visit again Croatia, its islands and its marvellous historic towns where my family lives. Also I would like to go back to the US and see once more New York and San Francisco where I have enjoyed two wonderful years and have left many friends. Before I die I would like to go once at least to the Holy Land. I’m not naïf. I’m Journalist. I know how problematic it is. But I really would like to visit those places so directly related to my faith. So yeah, I’m a little jealous of the people who can travel at their will.

Green-Eyed Monster.

 

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Work?

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If money were out of the equation, would you still work? If yes, why, and how much? If not, what would you do with your free time?

Work now would be a blessing to me. I had to leave my job because of my lack of health. And it’s hard to get used to this new situation. But I have no other chance. That’s life. I miss badly my newsroom, my colleagues, going out  in search for news, the thrill of getting an exclusive or some breaking news. Now I have to watch the game from behind the barrier and I don’t like it at all.

What I don’t miss are the sleepless nights, the long hours of work without schedules, the disorder and the lack of free time to spend with my family and my friends.

If health were out of the equation as well as money, I would work again as a Journalist. But this time as a  freelancer. This way I would be able to control better how much time I want to devote to my work and how much to my family.

Miracles don’t happen so often, and I don’t think I’ll recover my health. So I guess I’m going to spend my time doing house chores, blogging when I can, and, above all, taking care of my ailing mom, a real privilege for me.

Work? Optional!.

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Baggage Check

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We all have complicated histories. When was the last time your past experiences informed a major decision you’ve made?

The last time? I don’t remember. I use to consider past experiences before taking major decisions. It’s a question of prudence.

When I decided to move to the States, it was certainly a jump to the unknown. I had no previous experience. But I weighted carefully the circumstances of the previous years of my life, the difficulties at my work place that had lead to my lack of health and I decided I couldn’t stand it any more and I needed a complete change. So I left everything and I moved. It was a good decision I don’t regret. I found a job and was happy over there.

Two years later I decided to return back to Spain because my father was sick and my family needed me.  Again my experience from the past had a lot to do with my decision.  First of all the experience of my father’s love. I wanted to be with him and help him. Second, the experience of my later job made me negotiate with my employer better working conditions to protect my health.

 Baggage Check.

 

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Loneliness

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We all feel down from time to time. How do you combat the blues? What’s one tip you can share with others that always helps to lift your spirits?

When I feel down there is nothing that can possibly lift me up. I’ve tried everything: music, relaxation, exercise, think in positive. All the advices doctors and psychologists have given me to fight my depression. No results. When you’re deeply depressed there is no way to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Think in positive! I wonder how can possibly a person drowned in deep depression think in positive.

When I’m down I feel worthless, paralysed, immensely sad, without the energy to react. I only want to be alone. I hate people around me giving me advices or, worst, lecturing me. Even a silent company is unbearable. Loneliness is the best friend. Not recommended by the specialists.

Being alone I can cry without any apparent reason and I don’t have to give explanations to others. I hate bothering my friends or my family with my unexplainable sadness. Above all I hate being watched by strangers when I’m overwhelmed by sorrow. But loneliness is not always possible. Above all when you have people who loves you. And that’s good, but its also difficult. So I have to share my sadness with my loved ones and see how they get worried about me, which makes me saddest.

Usually depression leaves you so weak and exhausted that you can’t escape to be alone having a walk or a run. If I could move I would go to have a walk on the beach, to pour my sadness into the immensity of the sea. Stop thinking and begin to focus in feeling the breeze, listening to the sound of the waves crashing into the shore while contemplating the sunset. Leave the time pass smoothly, like water through my fingers. But that’s not possible, and I only can pray, take my medication and wait for the crisis to pass.

via Daily Prompt: Singing the Blues.

 

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Insecure

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Are you full of confidence or have you ever suffered from Imposter Syndrome? Tell us all about it.

I know I’m not an impostor, because I’ve never tried to deceive a single person with my actions or with my work. But I’m not full of confidence in myself. I’m full of doubts about the worth of what I’m doing while I’m working. But when I finish I usually think it was worth it.

I have never heard before about the Imposter Syndrome. But I don’t think it is what happened to me. Simply I had people around me who contributed to erode my confidence. I don’t know if they did it in purpose. I would like to think not. But I know they succeeded.

Because of the nature of my job I had to act confident and I did, but I felt insecure in the inside. Which was bad for me, because I suffered, but no so bad for my job, because I became almost paranoid to check and recheck countless times the facts until I was completely sure before publishing my reports, so I ended being known as an accurate journalist in my community, despite those negative voices around me.

Insecurity pursued me all my life after those difficult years.

via Daily Prompt: The Great Pretender.

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Moments to Remember

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What are the three most memorable moments — good or bad, happy or sad — in your life? Go!

The moment I discovered the love of my life. A rainy evening, while walking in a garden near Bilbao. What a joy in my heart! .
When my family supported me during my illness and in my decision to leave my job in Spain and travel to the US to work there for a while. What a reassurance!
The day my father died. It was at dawn. He was at peace with his conscience and with God, holding my mom’s hand, praying. He passed away peacefully. I envy him. I’m happy because I’m sure he is in Heaven. But that day something broke inside me. I miss him so much. What a sadness!

Daily Prompt: Moments to Remember.

 

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Unintended message

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It happens: sometimes that filter in our head bursts and we say too much of what we’re thinking and someone gets hurt. Tell us about a time you or someone you know said something that they immediately regretted.

Years ago we had in our newsroom a computer system with which you could sent a message to all the computers in the room. You only had to type “me” (from message) and then the text. With that the message would appear in all the screens with the sender’s signature. I was fighting secretly against depression and exhausted. One of that awful days I arrived discouraged to the newsroom, turned on my computer and typed in Spanish, without thinking,  what was on my mind: “me muero” (I’m dying). So immediately all my coworkers received a message that said “muero” (I die) signed by me.

“What’s the matter?” “Are you all right?” “Can I help you?” Dozens of messages began to pour into my computer. Even my boss saw my message. Imagine my embarrassment. Some friends came to my desk to ask me if I needed something. Yes, I needed something impossible: to disappear. But I couldn’t because I had an interview to write for that day’s edition.  I only wanted to be alone, do my work and go home as soon as possible.  But I had to spend a lot of time giving explanations about my mistake with the “me” word and about why I had written such a pessimistic message. I was tired that was all, I said to them. Now I can laugh at what happened, but back then it was an awkward situation.

Daily Prompt: Careless Whisper.
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Too late

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Tell us about the time you threw down the gauntlet and drew the proverbial line in the sand by giving someone an ultimatum. If you’ve never handed out an ultimatum but secretly wanted to, describe the scene and what you would say to put an end (one way or another) to an untenable situation.

I’d been investigating a political corruption scandal. An exhausting job. I had to endure a lot of pressures and spend endless hours looking for information and evidences. But my bosses at the newsroom didn’t allow me to devote myself full-time to that, and kept asking me to do reports about other topics on top of it. I was really tired. One day when all the political scandal was public, two of the politicians involved already in jail, and I was still investigating about other possible culprits, my boss asked me to do for the next day a report and an interview not related with the matter. I told him clearly: “I can’t do all at the same time. I’m exhausted. If I do all that you’re asking to me I don’t know If I’ll resist any more.” He thought I was exaggerating and refused to negotiate. I obeyed. I didn’t want to lose my job.

But the facts proved that I was right. And that it was too late. I collapsed that day. I finished writing and I couldn’t move a muscle any more. I was unable to speak, to think, to decide the next step to take. I was dizzy, short of breath, crying, paralysed. Next day I was in a hospital diagnosed with a deep depression. I should have said “no” long time before that awful day, but I didn’t realise how serious my situation was. I was too focused in my work, in my investigation, in publishing my exclusive news. And everybody kept telling me I was exaggerating, that everybody get tired in a job like mine. I was a little tired, that was all. Now I know that when I get aware of my extremely tiredness I waited too much to speak clearly with my boss. It was a terrible mistake. I did draw a line in the sand. But it was useless. And it was too late.

Daily Prompt: With or Without You.

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Happy beginnings

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Tell us about something you’ve tried to quit. Did you go cold turkey, or for gradual change? Did it stick?

No happy endings. I think I have no will power to quit something. My experience is more about happy beginnings and perseverance. My secret was try to never fall in a bad habit as a first measure. This way I never had to experience the pains of quitting. I’ve never smoked although both my parents were smokers. Maybe because of that I never had the curiosity to begin smoking. I’ve never drank much, because nobody in my family drank. I never have been in a diet because I didn’t need it. Which is a good thing because I don’t know what would become of me should I had been in a need to quit smoking or drinking or eating too much. I’ve heard stories of how difficult it is.

OK, I had to quit one thing: drinking wine and beers because of the medication I have to take. But that was easy because I was not addicted. Before that, I only drank in counted occasions, like special dinners, parties or outings with friends. I went cold turkey by necessity, and it went good. No problem.

Probably you’ll thinking: what a boring life!. Wrong. I had a lot of fun all those years.

The only thing I’m trying to do now is stop working late night. I’m used to work at night because of my years as a reporter for a daily newspaper. Now I would like to be more active at day hours and have a good sleep at night. But I keep working at night no matter how strong my resolutions are. I tried to go cold turkey with this, but is not working at all. Maybe is time to try the gradual change. I’ll consider it.

Daily Prompt: Happy Endings.

 

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My treasure

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Think about the generation immediately younger or older than you. What do you understand least about them — and what can you learn from them?

Old people are a treasure. They give us our memories, our history, our roots. They have the experience. They may be no longer active and may be sick and in need of help for everything, but they are members of our society we have to respect as they did in the past. Show respect to your elders.

I remember I read months ago some words by Pope Francis saying how sad is that “we live in times when the elderly don’t count. It’s unpleasant to say it, but the elderly are put to one side because they are considered a nuisance. However, the Pope continued, old people are those who tell us the history of things, who carry forward the faith and give it to us to inherit”.

The Pope went on to say that a society that does not take care for and respect the elderly “does not have a future because it doesn’t have memories”.

My experience is a bit special. We were in a foreign country, unable for a long time to go back to our homeland. We were strangers in a strange land. To me, my parents were my homeland. Thanks to them I knew about my roots, my history, I learned my faith and I learned to love my homeland from the distance. They gave me so much love. Now is my turn. My Dad already died. I’m now taking care of my Mom, hoping to give her the same love she gave me. She is my treasure.

Daily Prompt: Generation XYZ.
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Poor old woman

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Write a post entirely in the present tense.

It rains. A lot. It’s a big inconvenience for her. She has a problem with her balance and uses a trolley walker. With both hands pushing the trolley there is no way to use an umbrella too. She needs to go to the supermarket to buy some food. She tries to protect herself with a hood, but by the time she arrives to the supermarket she is completely wet. Her trolley too. She puts her groceries in the trolley’s little basket and, after paying, she begins the way back home. She walks slowly thru the almost deserted streets, where the few people passing by are walking fast under their umbrellas. But she cannot run. She must be careful, go step by step. She doesn’t want to fall. The rain falls implacable over her. Her hair, her hands, her coat dripping.  Finally she arrives home. Sweet, warm, lonely home. All her shopping bags are wet. She carefully unpacks her groceries and puts all in the refrigerator. She changes her wet clothes and shoes and  tries to dry her hair with the dryer as soon as possible. It’s too late. Aaaaatchoo!.  She already has a cold.

Daily Prompt: Write Here, Write Now.

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The prisoner

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He is lying in bed, motionless, waiting for someone to realize that he’s awake. Her daughter has fallen asleep in a chair at his side. What time is it? He tries to move, but his body is like a bag of sand. He knows he can’t do a thing by himself. But with a lot of effort he get turned a bit. And then he sees them: damn security bars. More effort and grabs one with his hand. The noise wakes up her daughter.

– What do you need, dad?
– Nothing, keep sleeping.
– Not, tell me what you want.
– Be out of here.

He knows he is in his home in his bedroom, surrounded by his loved ones, but the mere vision from the security bars of the bed transports him to his youth, when he was a prisoner of conscience, to the tortures, interrogations, the unbearable hunger, the misery of those horrible months.

– Don’t worry, I’ll get you out of bed.

But now, before the liberation from his enclosed bed to the relative freedom of the wheelchair, comes the worst. The metallic noise from the security bars: clank! clank!.

His daughter removes them happily, with energy Regardless of the noise. But for the is a torture. By his sweet face passes the shadow of an old immeasurable pain. To his mind reaches the echo of the sound of the doors that had him locked up in inhumane conditions in a prison camp during the WWII, the yelling, the blows, the sufferings experienced behind that bars, the faces of his dead friends. Sounds and images that come to his mind with an impressive vividness. Clank! Clank!: Leave out all hopes.

Seeing his face, his daughter thinks that anything hurts him and puts all his effort and his love to take care of him with tender hands. She helps him out of bed, cleans him, serves him his breakfast, takes him in the wheelchair to the other room, entertains him, and gives him everything he needs. And they have a relatively good day. A very long day.

It’s easy. For others. Not so much for him. He never complains about his illness. He decided to do so long ago. He even makes jokes about his helpless situation, but inside is suffering seeing himself  absolutely at the mercy of others and absorbing so much time and work from his wife and his daughters. He has always been good making jokes and he enjoys occupying his mind thinking in the next one. His mind. He prays to God to never lose his mind, despite sometimes is hard to realise his helpless situation. But he can do a lot of things with his mind, above all show every day his love to his wife of 56 years and talk with his children and friends. Now he loves having smiles around him instead of sad faces or compassionate looks. That’s why he is always making jokes. 

But when it comes time to go to bed, it’s also time to put the bars again. Clank! Clank! The same expression of profound pain, the same images rushing into his mind and finally the only complaint expressed aloud: Why do you keep me a prisoner?

Then, the daughter understands a little, for the first time in months, the extent of his father’s inner pain.

Weekly Writing Challenge: Leave Your Shoes at the Door.

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I did it!

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Think about what you wanted to accomplish last week. Did you? What are the things that hold you back from doing everything you’d like to do?

I did it. It was difficult, but I did it! I survived my extra-busy week and I’m back. At least for now. I’ve set to myself a high goal and I achieved it. I needed a strong mind, order and strength, and somehow I found all I needed, thanks God. I thought I was going to fail, but at the end, everything went smoothly. Of course my greatest barrier was as always my illness. I have written about it many times. I’m a little tired of the subject. Last week an extra barrier was the constant raining. We had a flood alert in our city. But that didn’t affect my neighbourhood.

Daily Prompt: Obstacle Course.

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Who could ask for anything more?

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Tomorrow is the first day of a brand new year. Tomorrow you get to become anyone in the world that you wish. Who are you? You can choose to by anyone, alive today or someone gone long ago. If you decide to stay “you” share your rationale.

I’ll be me with good health. The reason? A known bad is better than an unknown. I’m not perfect, but I’m happy with my life. I love my family. I can’t imagine my life without them. I don’t know about what would be of my life being someone else in unknown circumstances with unknown qualities related with unknown people. Probably a disaster. I can’t even imagine it. Having good health would suppose a big change in my life for the best. And I won’t change my family. They are the best I have. As the old Gerswhin’s song says: Who could ask for anything more?

Days can be sunny with never a sigh
Don’t need what money can buy
Birds in the trees sing their day full of songs
Why shouldn’t we sing along?
I’m chipper all the day
Happy with my life
How do I get that way?
Look at what I’ve got:

I got rhythm, I got music, I got my man
Who could ask for anything more?
I’ve got daisies in green pastures
I’ve got my man
Who could ask for anything more?

Old man trouble I don’t mind him
You won’t find him ’round my door
I’ve got starlight
I’ve got sweet dreams
I’ve got my man
Who could ask for anything more?

Happy New Year to everybody!

Daily Prompt: A Brand New You, Effective Tomorrow

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Not alone

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Unexpectedly, you lose your job. (Or a loved one. Or something or someone important to you.) What do you do next?

Keep living. There is nothing else you can do. Try to survive. Struggle to get up again. Life is plenty of unexpected events. I lost family members and very close friends unexpectedly. The pain is too deep. It takes a lot of time to recover. But with time you learn to live with that pain, and treasure the good memories those lives left. I unexpectedly lost my health. I tried to adjust my life to that situation. It was hard. But I had the help of my family and my best friend. Years after that I lost the job I loved due to my lack of health. Another blow. Again I had my family and my friends with me. Months after that my mom had an ictus and got paralysed. Now I have the free time I wouldn’t have in other circumstances to take care of her. I don’t know what I’d do if I lose my whole family and my friends and I would be compelled to face life completely alone. But even in that situation I know I’ll have the best support. I have faith in God. I try to pray every day. I know He won’t leave me alone. He never did.

Daily Prompt: Unexpected.
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I’m in tears

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Describe the last time you were surprised by the intensity of a feeling you had about something, or were surprised at how strongly you reacted to something you thought wouldn’t be a big deal.

I’m in tears right now with no reason. Am I surprised? Not any more. I would like to have a hiding place to disappear. But I have none. I feel I’m worthless and I have to make efforts to block my mind and don’t think worst things I don’t want to write about them. Here I am inconsolable me exposed to the eyes of my worried loved ones. I hate it. It’s not fair worrying them. I try to explain but is useless. There’s not big deal. There’s no deal at all. A mystery. Nothing really happened. So why am I so sad and helpless? Why can’t I explain what’s going on with me?. Why do I feel so intensely this deep sadness? Why do I feel so helpless and worthless? Why am I crying?. Why can’t I think or speak or write with some sense? There’s no explanation. It’s the damned depression again playing with my feelings, squashing them, leaving me exhausted with no reason.

Daily Prompt: Intense!.

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The glass half empty

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glasswater_390_0106Tell us about a habit you’d like to break. Is there any way it can play a positive role in your life?

The habit of seeing always the glass half empty. I would like to break it and definitely that would play a positive role in my life, but I can’t. I tried. No way. I’m a pessimist. I feel the Murphy law is installed in my life. I need help. I have it in my family but still, the habit is stronger than me. I don’t like it at all. I love optimist positive people. I would like to be one of them. I’m sure breaking this habit of mine would whelp me do a lot of things I’m not doing out of fear to fail. 

Daily Prompt: Breakdown.

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Over my dead body

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by chelle

by chelle

If you were forced to give up one sense, but gain super-sensitivity in another, which senses would you choose?

I wake up. I can hear the sounds around me. I try to open my eyes but I can’t. I try to move my hand to stop the alarm, but my arm doesn’t move. It’s like a sand bag attached to my body. I try to call for help but my mouth doesn’t obey me. I want to cry but I can’t. I’m gasping for breath by my lungs are working desperately slow. I’m unable to see, to talk, to smell, to touch anything. I can only hear everything: The alarm, the sounds in the room and outside the room.

I can do nothing but hope somebody will notice my helpless situation and come to me. I’m drowning in my anguish. Terrified. I think I’m paralysed. So soon. I began to pray. Dear God, help me. Send someone to help me. I feel I can die in a few moments or worst, stay this way for ever. Absolutely helpless. Completely depending on others for everything. I don’t know for how long I’m praying like this. I fall asleep.

Suddenly I wake up again. But this time, everything is OK. I can move without problem. I open my eyes. I can see. I jump from the bed. My body obeys me. My voice is as loud as ever. I don’t understand. That wasn’t a nightmare. It was something more. But I’m so happy to have again control over all my senses I really don’t care.. until happens again.

Doctors said it’s sleep paralysis syndrome. Nothing serious, but really scary. It gives you a glimpse of what can experience a person with real paralysis. It lasts for only a few seconds but it seems like hours and you can’t get used to it.

Having experienced this I can’t choose a sense to give up and a sense gain super-sensitivity.  Neither after years taking care of my loved ones loosing sensibilities, witnessing their suffering. It’s too much.

There is nothing I would give up. There’s no sense I want to have super-powered. I love what I have. Force me to give up one of my senses? Over my dead body. No matter what the prize is. Gain super-sensitivity in one of my senses? No, thank you. I’m glad with what I have. I thank God every day, every night, for that.

Daily Prompt: Super Sensitive | The Daily Post.

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Because she’s mine

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IMG_0330Write a six-word story about what you think the future holds for you, and then expand on it in a post.

I’ll be there for Mom

It’s my turn. She has always been there for me. When I was little, of course, as a loving mother of five. I was the middle child. Number three. But I felt unique. Even when my baby sister Ana Maria would stay at home and we all go to school. When we arrived back home we used to rush to kiss Mom and Ana Maria, very angry wouldn’t let us yelling: She’s mine! Even then I knew she was mine as much as hers.

She was all mine when I had my terrible migraines. The pain was so terrible I wanted to pull out my left eyeball. I thought with my kid’s logic that without the eye the pain would disappear. She stayed with me for hours holding my hands and caressing me, promising me it would pass. And her promises always became true.

She was all mine despite she was always busy working at home. I firmly believed she had eyes in her back, because she managed to pay attention to what I was doing playing around her while she was cooking or ironing.

She was all mine when I needed her to talk about “my stuff” as a girl and my problems as a young woman. She knew about my friends, my first job, my first love, about my hopes, my joys and my sorrows. She was always there for me. In the good times and the bad times. Always with her warm smile, her peaceful black eyes glancing at me. Waiting for me.

Now she needs me. She’s 93 and she’s paralyzed. I’m so sad seeing her in that condition and watching her suffering. But I’m also so glad I can do something for her; easy her pain in some way as she did with me when I was little and I was in bed with migraines. Only I can’t promise her it will pass and she knows. My immediate future consists in taking care of her, being there for her, because she’s all mine. She continues smiling and looking peacefully at me. Every little service I give her is an opportunity to show her my love and tell her “thank you for your life”.

Daily Prompt: Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other.

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Night

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file0001229516358You experience your own Freaky Friday, and switch bodies with someone you love/hate. Tell us what happens.

I’m laying in bed unable to move. I would like to because I can’t resist any more my back ache from being too much time in the same position. My limbs don’t obey my brain. They are like sand bags attached to my body. I need help. But I don’t want to wake up Mom or anybody in the house. I try to resist. I’m anxious. Why can’t I move? This is a nightmare. I can see everything around me. I can feel everything, but I can’t move an inch. And this pain is killing me. I get anxious. I’m sweating.

– Somebody, help me!. Help, please!

Nothing.

– I need help!, please, help!

I hear noises. somebody is approaching. I can’t see who is coming because I can’t turn myself to face the door. I hear steps entering the room. Somebody touches my arm gently.

– I’m here.

She walks around the bed and stays in front of me. She looks a lot like mom. She looks tired and sleepy. I feel sorry for her and guilty.

– I’m sorry, but…

– Don’t be. I’ll help you.

She seems to know what I need although I don’t understand. She pushes my upper body and pulls the sheets to make me turn to the other side. That hurts. Then she arranges my legs and finally covers me and kisses me. When she finishes I feel relieved.

– Thank you. what time is it?

– Three

– Oh my God! Go to bed. You have to rest.

– No. YOU have to rest. Call me if you need me.

I don’t understand. My head is working as fast as ever. I know what’s coming after this if I’m not in a nightmare.  I’ll have to wait for someone to come to me to wash me, to clean me. I’ll be so ashamed. I’ll need help to eat, to sit in the wheelchair, to go to bed, to read to…everything.

I’m now facing the door, and while I watch mom exiting the room, tears are filling my eyes. I cry silently. I don’t want her to know I’m crying. She is so brave in her situation. I need her courage, but I don’t have it. I’m alone again. Please, dear God help my mom, help me. I feel the pillow moist with my tears. I’m falling asleep. Please, dear God…

via Daily Prompt: Freaky Friday.

More Freaky Fridays in the next page:

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Unfit to write

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Tear by Shakira120

Tear by Shakira120

Why do I think everything I do is wrong? Because it is. And there is no hope. All my choices are wrong. I feel I don’t deserve to live, but I’m alive. Thanks God surrounded by people who love me. But I have no right to make them miserable with my sad existence. And I feel guilty for that.

I would like to live hidden from everybody. That way I wouldn’t hurt others especially the ones I love. But I can’t. The only way would be disappearing. I already had to disappear from work. I couldn’t keep my job being so trapped in this cave of depression. I’m useless.

But I can’t disappear from life. Sometimes I would like to. I get anxious and I hurt myself. Is the only way I can calm down. That scares me a lot. I pray to God every day. That keeps me alive. Gives me strength. And I sure need that strength to face each day. I feel like chained in a dark cell. Unable to move. Unable to escape.

It came unnoticed as a burglar and step by step stole my entire life. I was a successful woman at work and at home. I had a lot of problems, that’s true, but who doesn’t? Too much work for me to handle. I’m sure it was my fault. Suddenly I felt weak and useless because I couldn’t deal with, until then, ordinary things. One day I simply crashed. I thought I was extremely tired, but the doctor told me it was a depression I have suffered for a long time without noticing it. I refused to believe it at the beginning.  That couldn’t be happening to me.  That was not an illness. I was simply tired, so tired… It took me a long time to convince myself that I was sick, very sick.

I continued working for fourteen years in a very demanding environment with depression under medical treatment. It was a nightmare I don’t want to remember. I loved my job and I enjoyed to see it done as perfectly as possible. But it was too much. I was crying all the time, hurting myself secretly,  gaining and losing weight without control, losing strength. Finally, after several hospitalizations, I had to quit. Job plus illness was a combination that was destroying me. It was a shock. I’m still under the effects. Sad, disoriented, insecure.

At least now I know who are my real friends. the ones who are still with me after all this ordeal. I’m so grateful to them. And of course to my family, always so supportive in the worst moments.

Although I still chained in my dark cell, I’m peering to the outside world through the little window of my blogs. They say depression triggers creativity. Inspires writers and artists. If that’s true I would be writing lots of wonderful stories. But something is wrong here like everything about me. Either depression doesn’t inspire writers or I’m not writer at all.

Weekly Writing Challenge: Fit to Write.

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Dear Healthy Friend:

Leave a reply

Write an anonymous letter to someone you’re jealous of.

ce2f4ddfe66953769b391f263fcb077eDear healthy friend:

I hope you know what you have and take good care of it. Your health is a precious treasure you enjoy every moment, don’t dilapidated it.

I envy you. You can do a lot of things I would like to do and I can’t.  You can command over your mind and your body without the pain, the tiredness that paralyzed you when you live chained to a sickness. You can easily get up in the morning and face a new day with strength and even hope.

Maybe you take all that little everyday things for granted. Well, don’t. Take care of yourself and your health. And please, try to understand the weak, the sick people. Don’t despise them as unworthy on the first try. Maybe they are only suffering, unable to do more.

Being sick is a disgrace but gives us experience and an ability for understanding other people sufferings. Enough to discover when a person is struggling with a handicap in this society of fiery competition. Maybe you, from your healthy point of view cannot see that. Don’t think the world is only a place for you and your pals. We also have a place. And we have a lot of things to contribute to enrich our society. We are doing so in silence.

That doesn’t change the fact I envy you for your health. I would like being like you, but with the experience and the understanding about suffering acquired in all this years.

And remember, take care

Sincerely:

Life is Great

Daily Prompt: Green-Eyed Monster.

More jealous letters in the next page:

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No discussions, please

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When was the last time your walked away from a discussion, only to think of The Perfect Comeback hours later? Recreate the scene for us, and use your winning line.

file0002142617802I avoid discussions. I can’t stand them. At the moment the conversation becomes a discussion I feel I’m going to burst in tears. It’s sure because of my depression. To avoid the embarrassment and knowing I can’t make a point in that condition I walk away always. I prefer to come back when all is quiet and you can talk without stress, or write an answer, because I express myself better writing than talking.

I remember though once, after a meeting with my coworkers in which we were talking about salaries. Somebody went to my boss and told him I said that we all should have the same salary, something It wasn’t accurate, and they presented me as a sort of communist infiltrated in the company. He call me to his office immediately and began to yell at me. I told him what I really said during the meeting, but he wouldn’t listen. I asked the help of God and he must helped me, because I didn’t cry in front of him, but I told him very calmly that if he was willing to believe the account of the other person better than mine about my own words I couldn’t do anything more. Then I asked also very calmly if he was firing me. He said a furious NO!

The moment I left the office I burst in tears and I couldn’t stop, as always. But I saved my job and my dignity that day, thanks God.

Daily Prompt: Drawing a Blank.

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A good headline and people’s kindness

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61e8a9906b5f6fd80b784b9d7132a889Go to your Stats page and check your top 3-5 posts. Why do you think they’ve been successful? Find the connection between them, and write about it.

A good, simple headline and people’s kindness.

Since my “Come in!” post was the most successful I guess the invitation was the key, because the post was very brief and simple, explaining why I  couldn’t think about a person I know from whom I would keep my blog secret. The third most popular was “Getting to know you” about being a stranger in a stranger land. I used an old song from the musical “The King and I” to express in a happy way how I like to know new places my way. “No one” is the fourth one, about who would I like to write my biography. The headline already answered the question, so I’m surprised so many people took the pain to read the post.

The second place in my rank of hits is “A jail without windows”. I don’t remember about what was the prompt, but I described my experience with depression. The same topic appears in the fifth place “Depression and party not a good company”. In this two posts I guess the amount of hits is due to kindness and understanding from bloggers who know what’s like living with depression or with people depressed. I received supportive messages from totally unknown people, very helpful. I’m so thankful.

I experienced a feeling that I belong to a sort of community of people who help each other some way when necessary with a word of encouragement, a good advice, or a simple “like” I appreciate so much.  And  of course, I experience the help from all of you with your posts about the same topic written from different backgrounds, different cultures, and different points of view, which is a great enrichment I enjoy every day. Thank you.

Daily Prompt: The Stat Connection.

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Depression and party not a good company

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By Heku

By Heku

After spending time with a group of people, do you feel energized and ready for anything or do you want to hide in the corner with a good book?

Depression makes very difficult to spend time with a group of people. The last thing you want to do is to go out to a party. Or to go out at all. It is hard enough to find strength to start your day, to do the basic things of everyday life. You don’t want anybody to witness your weakness,  that chain that paralyzes you. Spending time with a group of people is an enormous effort that leaves you exhausted. And after that you only want to disappear. To hide in the corner with a good book? maybe. Sometimes there’s no strength to make the effort to read. To hide? definitely.

Daily Prompt: Party Animals (?).